21. A gripe I have with wellness
Plus all of my favourite no-pants looks from Australian Fashion Week and an easy traditional Palestinian recipe for dinner this weekend
So far this week, I have missed four of four pilates classes (that’s $40 in late cancellation fees). Instead I’ve been leaving my curtains closed, burrowing further under the covers, and starting the day’s doomscroll before 6am.
Like most braving these frigid Auckland mornings, I’ve caught a cold, and I’ve been genuinely flattened for the first time since covid years. And while I enjoy the occasional opportunity to bed rot, this has taken over my life in ways that feel too all-consuming to justify to your inbox.
Wellness exists in extremities for me—the all-or-nothing approach cemented so heavily into my psyche, and it’s still a challenge to unpack it. I think one part of it exists as a rebellion against the eating disorder that somehow prevails; that if I say ‘fuck it’ and do the exact opposite of what I should do if I want to weigh the amount I should and look the way that I should, that this defiance will make me feel better inside. (That it will help me retain control.)
But often, it will only make me feel worse.
Some months ago, I undertook the Benson Detox, a beloved ritual of the IG girlies that, with my background in nutrition, I actually deemed quite nourishing as far as pre-event crash diets go. I eliminated gluten, dairy, sugar, alcohol, and every little joyous food I had come to know for ten days. I lost 3.8kg. I felt healthier than I could remember. I wasn’t bloated, I was sleeping well, and a colleague told me I had lost weight in my chin, which was almost weird. But I was flattered. Part of me genuinely believed the effects would last. And while I now know how to get back to that place, life's interruptions will always prevail.
Never in my eating disorder recovery did anyone guide me on how to navigate weight loss while trying to heal from the thought patterns behind weight loss. It is just assumed that you should now, somehow, be okay with your body because you don’t want to live at the mercy of your ED anymore. It’s too paradoxical, and it’s just a given that while I should like to get better, to improve my health, I should also be happy with my body, even though there are days when I hate it for not being able to bend or move in particular ways, or when I struggle to get dressed in the mornings.
However, right now, I’m just trying to navigate a cold. Later today, I plan to throw off the covers of the bed I just climbed back into. I’ll have some more vitamin C, put on some comfy clothes, and hope my legs remember how to go for a walk to the sea.
I’ll try to catastrophise about it all a little less, and I’ll remember the joy I find in ritual soon enough.
Love Tess x
P.S. I take no issue with Sala’s cancellation fees. In fact, they often prompt me to get out of bed. But this week the sleep in was worth the cost.
My favourite looks from AFW (so far):
Beare Park - sheer pants & oversized tailoring
Rory William Docherty - great trenches & androgynous suiting
Albus Lumen - more sheer pants moments
Karla Spetic - lots of lace & knitted garters
3 recipes to recreate:
These traditional Palestinian arayes
This needs little context, but the recipe looks utterly delicious and perfect for an easy weekend dinner.Green pea and coconut soup
When the weather cools down or I need to eat something that feels like a hug. I couldn’t think of an easier recipe.Crispy lemon feta with spiced chickpeas and basil orzo
I once worked with a girl who made this meal for her flat every week. It’s so delicious, and you can substitute the feta for halloumi which is equally as delicious. I just really fuck with yoghurt on savoury dishes.
5 things to spend your pay check on this week:
Cosmetics 27 Concentré 27 Vitamin C & B3
Other vitamin c serums have previously made me rashy and compromised my skin barrier. This one is so nourishing and effective. I’ve noticed a total change in my skin texture in a month. I’m sorry it’s so expensive.Lipo-spheric Vitamin C
Continuing the notion of wellness is a supplement I’ll never live without. This form of vitamin c is in it’s most readily available, and if you find the aftertaste in water a bit icky, I just suck it straight from the packet on busy commutes.The Row Margaux 17 buckled leather tote
For reasons unknown to even me, I really broke the bank this week on a pre-loved Margaux 17. I’ll let you know the condition and just how much I love it when it arrives.Beare Park silk georgette elastic waist skirt
This one has been on my wishlist for a hot minute—I’m just trying to think of where is most appropriate to wear it. (It’s 70% off on limited sizes right now too.)Matheson pepper mill and salt cellar
Moving house has prompted some unhealthy scrolling of delicious homewares. I love Matty Matheson, and the kitchenwares he designs are just divine.
If you read one thing this week let it be this:
Crooked Plow by Itamar Viera Junior
This beautiful novel has been translated from Portuguese - I love reading the cadence and flow of different languages. It’s a heartbreaking but beautiful story of family ties.